Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Fairytale...Is it meant for everyone..?

Growing up in my home as the baby of the family and seriously believing I was a Princess, I created this world for myself where I was always in search of "My Prince." Not to mention the fact that I grew up in church and was told constantly that God has the perfect man in store for me, and that God would send him into my life at the perfect time and we would get married and have babies and live happily. Oddly I never really had interest in the church boys, and they had no interest in me. Seemed I was always the last to be thought of by boys at school or church. It bothered me, so I was always on a mission of perfecting myself(outwardly), as much as possible, and always had my eyes open, for "The One." I was so close to God when the first guy to really pursue me walked into my life. I thought yep, this must be it. I fell freakishly hard and Fast...he kicked me out of his life after 4 yrs of mental torture. I hated myself and felt rejected and ashamed. I turned to anything to numb my pain, and fell Fast for the next guy I met. He didn't even pursue me at all. He simply showed the slightest bit of interest, and I did all the pursuing.I once again found myself working sooo hard to make my fairytale come true. I felt like I deserved to be happy at any cost. Didn't work out either. I find myself seriously contemplating, is the fairytale that I've felt so desperate for my entire life even something that's in the cards for me?! I am working really hard on my relationship with God and focusing on me and my daughter but is sharing my life with another person ever supposed to happen. I share every experience, adventure, laugh, and love with my daughter but am I one of those perpetual bachelorette? lol...Im conflicted with how much princess, fairytale, happy ending stuff I should allow my daughter to really engage in and believe in. Have you ever felt like everyone around you was sharing their own fairytale happy ending life with "The One" and than there you are, alone. I am kind of annoyed that I grew up believing that I had a Prince made specially for me by God himself, and that this prince would sweep me off my feet and love me more than anyone could ever love me aside from God. I know this world and God owe me Nothing, and that anything worth having is attained by extreme hard work and patience. I think that I would rather live my life believing in Me. I would rather love myself than depend on someone else loving me to make me happy. I want Auburn to grow up knowing that This world owes her Nothing, and circumstances are different for every person. Comparing yourself to others only creates disappointment and invalidating behaviors and feelings. I want to somehow find a ways to teach her to love herself and depend on herself for happiness not others. That way if she isnt always in a relationship she wont feel like I do. Rejected and Alone. I need to find a way to love me so I can show her, its ok and accepted and normal to love yourself first, its healthy to live a life full of happiness with yourself. If others want to participate in your life awesome, but if not its not taking away from living a fulfilling and truly happy life. Im doing my best as a woman and mom. Keep Auburn and I in your thoughts and prayers if you can. This chapter is a hard one for us.


  1. you amaze me... you have grown so much from all that you have been through and God is making you the person you were intended to be... not the person you were pretending to be... Keep your head up and the rest of us will help you as you need it.

    i love you


  2. I just want you to know you are not alone. I too am working on the same chapter in my life and have had the exact same thoughts. I will be praying for you!