The Unexpected

In December of 2008 I married the love of my life. Everyday I feel very lucky that he loves me and my son. He is so very proud to call my son his own regardless of him not being his biological son. My husband is an amazing father to my son, when we first met he just jumped in with both feet to being a papa. When we got married we knew that we wanted more children (I of course want more than he does but we are trying to compromise on that), the question was when do we start actively trying? Not too long after we decided to start trying in February of 2009. Our hopes were high, we expected to get pregnant right away. However that wasn't the case. It seemed I was hearing about more people getting pregnant instead of being able to share the news myself. We wanted to have another baby so badly. We prayed, we talked about it, we were thinking of names, we saved my sons old things. Still nothing. 9 months of trying went by when the most wonderful thing happened... we had a positive! I couldn't believe it, mainly because I used a pregnancy test from the dollar store and was worried it was faulty. I rushed to Target and got another test that would show me "PREGNANT" or "NOT PREGNANT". I was beaming when I saw that all of our hopes and dreams really were coming true. I was 4 weeks pregnant.
We literally couldn't contain ourselves. I was very excited to experience this pregnancy with someone by my side. To not have to go through this alone. It was amazing to have my husband kiss my belly and see how happy and proud he was. We would sit on the couch and flip through baby name books and fantasize about the future. We told everyone, not at all expecting the worst to happen...
When I was 6 1/2 weeks along the worst case scenario happened. I woke up from a nap to use the bathroom and I was bleeding. Phillip and I immediately rushed to the emergency room unsure about what the outcome would be. There were tests, there were ultrasounds, there was no heartbeat and the baby was gone. We were devastated.
Alot of friends and family have tried to comfort my husband and myself in this loss. There isn't much that anyone can say or do to ease the pain. I asked alot of questions and thought about what I did wrong or what I should've done differently. This wasn't right of me at all. I could not prevent this in any way. I pushed God away wondering why HE would do this to me, he knew that we wanted this baby. There are so many women that don't want to be pregnant and don't want to have babies yet their pregnancies are flawless so why me?! Wrong response again. I still cry and get upset about the situation but feel that I have a better understanding. People say that everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that as well. When women miscarry it becomes a very hush hush topic and no one speaks about it, without talking about it we then can slip into depression. Having friends and family praying for us for peace and understanding I feel has helped us get through this as a family. I want to take what I have gone through, learn from it and help others to talk about it.
At this point Phillip and I have struggled with the idea of whether to try again right now or not. Questions that have come up: Can we handle this financially? What if we miscarry again? Are we really ready for another child with a 3 year old? (For future reference I overthink Everything). Ultimately we have decided to look forward to the future, hand in hand and take on whatever comes our way. I'm looking forward to continuing to grow our family when the timing is perfect, when God see's the time is right. Until then, we will have faith and love.


Becky